If you’re reading this, chances are you’re going through one of the toughest times a father can face. Divorce is difficult enough on its own, but when you throw kids into the mix? Different ball game.
Going from tucking your little ones in every night to suddenly having an empty house can feel like someone’s ripped your heart out and stomped on it. Trust me, I’ve been there, done that, and got the tear-stained t-shirt to prove it.
But here’s the thing: it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom.
Sure, it’s going to be tough, but with a bit of grit, some clever strategies, and maybe a dash of British humour, you can get through this.
I wouldn’t presume to tell you there is a one size fits all solution to this, but here are some ideas for how to cope when your kids are with their mum.
The Emotional Tsunami
Right, let’s start by addressing the elephant in the room – your feelings. It’s perfectly normal to feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster that would put Alton Towers to shame. One minute you’re angry, the next you’re sad, and sometimes you might even feel a bit relieved (and then feel guilty about feeling relieved).
Losing daily contact with your children is not just about missing bedtime stories or Saturday morning cartoons; it’s about missing out on those little moments that make up the fabric of family life. This sense of loss is a form of grief, and it’s important to recognise it as such.
Some common emotions that rear their ugly heads may include:
The Guilt Trip
Ah, guilt. That old chestnut. You might find yourself thinking, “If only I’d tried harder” or “I’m a rubbish dad for not being there every day.” Let me stop you right there. Unless you’ve got a time machine stashed away somewhere (and if you do, we need to talk), dwelling on what-ifs isn’t going to change anything.
Anger Management
Feeling angry? Join the club. Whether it’s directed at your ex, the situation, or even yourself, anger is a common passenger on this emotional journey. The trick is learning how to manage it without letting it drive the bus.
The Loneliness Loop
When the house is quiet and you’re staring at the kids’ empty rooms, loneliness can hit you like a ton of bricks. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of isolating yourself, but trust me, that’s a one-way ticket to depression. You need to live your life.
Shifting Your Perspective: It’s Not All Bad
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Easy for you to say. You don’t know what I’m going through.” And you’re right, I don’t know your exact situation. But I do know that sometimes, a shift in perspective can work wonders.
Believe it or not, there are some positives to this new arrangement. No, really. For starters, you might find that the time you do spend with your kids becomes more focused and meaningful. Quality over quantity, as they say.
This is also your chance to work on yourself. Always wanted to learn how to cook something other than beans on toast? Now’s your time to shine. Fancy taking up a new hobby? Go for it. You might surprise yourself with what you’re capable of.
Plus, if you can manage to keep things civil with your ex (I know, easier said than done sometimes), you might find that you can actually become better parents apart than you were together. No more arguments about whose turn it is to do the school run.
Look, I’m not saying you should go wild and start living like a uni student again. But having some time to yourself can be refreshing. Want to watch the footie without interruption? Fancy a night out with the lads? Now you can, guilt-free. Your kids might even get a better, more relaxed version of you when you’re on parenting duty.
Practical Strategies for Staying Connected
Right, let’s get down to brass tacks. How can you stay connected with your kids when they’re not with you?
Afterall, just because they are at their Mum’s, doesn’t mean you can’t speak to them. Thank goodness for technology, eh? FaceTime, Skype, WhatsApp – there are loads of ways to have face-to-face chats with your little ones. Just make sure you’re not calling during their favourite TV show, or you might get the digital cold shoulder.
You could even surprise them with an antiquated approach. In this age of instant everything, there’s something special about getting a real letter in the post. Send your kids funny postcards, or start a running theme with a series of terrible dad jokes. They’ll be rolling their eyes, but secretly loving it.
You could also start a journal that you and your kids can write in when you’re together, then pass it back and forth. It’s a great way to share thoughts and keep up with what’s going on in each other’s lives. Plus, it’s nice to read their thoughts and feel part of their lives.
My favourite idea though, assuming your kids are old enough and interested, is online gaming. Set up a regular game night where you play online games together and talk over the headset. Whether it’s Minecraft, Roblox, or good old-fashioned chess, it’s a fun way to spend time together, even when you’re apart.
Making the Most of Your Time Together
When you do have your kids with you, it’s tempting to try and cram in as much as possible. But sometimes, less is more.
Focus on really being present when you’re with your kids. Put the phone away, turn off the telly, and give them your full attention. They’ll notice, trust me.
Kids thrive on routine, so try to establish some rituals that are unique to your time together. Maybe it’s making pancakes every Saturday morning or having a movie night with all their favourite snacks. It will make them feel secure but also give you all something to look forward to.
You can also plan some fun outings or activities, but don’t feel like you have to spend a fortune. A trip to the park, a bike ride, or even a pillow fort building competition can create happy memories.
My biggest piece of advice would be not to underestimate the power of ordinary moments. Helping with homework, cooking dinner together, or just having a chat before bed can be just as meaningful as big, planned events. They will remember this stuff when they’re older.
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish
Looking after yourself isn’t just about bubble baths and scented candles (though if that’s your thing, go for it). It’s about making sure you’re in the best possible shape – physically and mentally – to be there for your kids.
What I’m saying here, is get yourself to the gym. Afterall, time is no excuse anymore. Exercise isn’t just good for your body; it’s a great stress-buster too. Whether it’s hitting the weights bench, going for a run, or just a brisk walk around the block, get moving.
Don’t be afraid to seek help if you’re struggling mentally either. Mental strength is just as important as physical strength. Talking to a therapist or counsellor isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you’re taking your mental health seriously.
Hobbies and Friends
Find something you enjoy doing just for you. Whether it’s photography, woodworking, or learning to play the ukulele, having a hobby can give you a sense of purpose and achievement. If it’s a group activity like team sport or a writers group it also serves as a social occasion.
Speaking of which, lean on your mates. They might not always know what to say, but sometimes just having a pint and a chat can about something else can work wonders.
Legal Matters and Parenting Plans
One extra thing you don’t need piling on additional stress and sadness, is legal battles with your ex.
Navigating the legal side of things can feel like trying to read a foreign language backwards, but a solid parenting plan can save you both a lot of headaches down the line. It should cover things like custody arrangements, holidays, and how decisions about the kids will be made.
If you and your ex are struggling to agree on arrangements, consider mediation. It can be a less adversarial (and often cheaper) alternative to going to court. These people are specially trained and can help settle any difference amicably.
Keep good records of your parenting time, expenses, and any agreements or changes to arrangements. It might seem like a faff, but it can be really helpful if any disputes arise.
The Road Ahead: It Gets Better
We’ve covered a lot of ground here. I know it might feel overwhelming, and there might be days when you wonder if it’s ever going to get easier. But I promise you, it does.
Remember, you’re not alone in this. There are plenty of us dads out there navigating these same choppy waters. Reach out, ask for help when you need it, and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Your kids need you, even if they’re not with you every day. By taking care of yourself, staying connected, and focusing on quality time, you can build a strong, loving relationship with them, no matter what your living situation looks like.
So chin up, eh? You’ve got this. Keep calm and Dad on.
