Something happens to you when you become a Dad. Fatherhood changes a man.
I’m not talking about that new found feeling of responsibility, the protective streak that wasn’t there before, or the pressure to provide a better life, oh no. Those things happen as well, don’t get me wrong, but all Dads experience those changes in different ways. I’m talking about something unifying and inescapable:
Dad jokes.
Yep. Some kind of chemical shift occurs in the brain of every new father, and their desire to make people cringe rather than laugh is heightened, and that’s when the Dad jokes start coming out. We begin to love a pun. We enjoy nothing more than cracking out an absolute stinker of a joke that makes an entire conversation fall apart at the dinner table, all the while we gleefully grin at everyone’s groans and line up the next one.
And it only gets worse as you get older.
Well, lucky for you, my supply of Dad jokes is top tier, and I have lots of them in my armoury too. In the spirit of causing as much Dad joke awkwardness as possible, I’m going to share them with you here.
By the way, do you have any idea where I keep all my Dad jokes? In a Dadabase!
The Best Dad Jokes
To make things easier, I have separated my very best dad jokes into categories. You can think of it as organised cringe, or an organised crime against comedy.
Wow, I just can’t stop being hilarious!
Food Jokes
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know which comes first.
I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
I used to be a baker…
but I couldn’t make enough dough.
I got hit in the head with a can of Coke…
but it didn’t hurt—it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I used to date a baker…
but we just didn’t knead each other.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
It felt crummy.
Why did the M&M go to school?
Because it wanted to be a Smartie.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you.
It’s a little fishy.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
Animal Jokes
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
So-fish-ticated.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain.
What does a camp horse eat?
Heeeeeeyyyy!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why don’t crabs give to charity?
They’re shellfish.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why don’t koalas count as bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
Work Jokes
Want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.
I’m friends with an electrician.
We have good current connections.
My boss told me to have a good day…
so I went home.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people…
but none of them work.
I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole-destroying.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
Ian.
I once had a job crushing cans.
It was soda pressing.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
A barberqueue.
Family Jokes
I used to hate facial hair…
then it grew on me.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick by mistake…
she still isn’t talking to me.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground?
They woke up eventually.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
I built a model of Mount Everest. My son asked if it’s to scale.
“No,” I said, “it’s to look at.”
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent.
School Jokes
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
I’m reading a book on glue.
I just can’t put it down.
Why did the math book look sad?
Too many problems.
I know a great joke about a broken pencil.
Actually, never mind, it’s pointless.
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tear-able.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
I don’t trust calendars.
Their days are numbered.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
Science Jokes
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
I would tell you a chemistry joke…
but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went…
then it dawned on me.
Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It caught a virus.
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke…
but you guys didn’t like it.
I gave all my dead batteries away…
free of charge.
Why did the smartphone wear glasses?
It lost its contacts.
What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell.
Dad Hobbies
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
but I turned myself around.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one.
I used to play piano by ear…
but now I use my hands.
I don’t play football because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
I bought a boat…
I could only afford it because it was on sail.
I don’t trust those trees.
They look kind of shady.
Why did the stadium get hot?
All the fans left.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents.
I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Why did the golfer bring an extra shirt?
In case he got a hole in one.
Dad Classics
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
I used to be a kleptomaniac…
but I took something for it.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener.
Why did the picture go to prison?
It was framed.
Why was the broom late?
It overswept.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired.
I’m terrified of elevators.
I take steps to avoid them.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
I’ve just bought a book on procrastination.
I’ll start it tomorrow.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
I used to be indecisive.
Now I’m not so sure.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two-tired.
I am a master of disguise.
But no one realises because I hide it very well.
Do you have any idea where I keep all my dad jokes?
In a Dadabase!
Dad Jokes By Theme
Want even more jokes? Or perhaps you’re looking for something specific for your repertoire – an opener for your best man speech, or some festive gags to show that santa isn’t the only one who can dish out the ‘ho ho ho’s – don’t worry, we have you covered: