There’s a moment most dads have, usually after you’ve laid down the law and your kid’s gone quiet, where you think: was that good parenting… or have I just steamrolled them?
It’s a horrible question because it doesn’t arrive politely. It turns up when you’re already tired, already stressed, and already trying to hold the line. And to be fair, kids do need a line. Boundaries are part of feeling safe. But there’s a difference between being firm and being frightening. There’s a difference between teaching respect and teaching a child to shrink.
The problem is, in real life, discipline rarely looks like a neat parenting diagram. It looks like the third argument of the day about putting shoes on. It looks like you snapping because someone’s spilled something again and you’re still thinking about work. It looks like you insisting on manners because you don’t want to raise a tiny tyrant, and then wondering if you’ve become the tyrant instead.
What “Strict” Usually Means In A Family Home
Most dads don’t set out to be harsh. The strictness creeps in through the cracks: routines, pressure, time, fear of “letting things slide”. Sometimes it’s your own upbringing whispering in your ear. Sometimes it’s the panic that if you don’t handle this now, you’ll be dealing with something bigger later.
A useful way to think about it is the difference between control and guidance. The American Psychological Association describes authoritative parenting as nurturing and supportive while still setting firm limits. By contrast, authoritarian parenting is more about enforcing rules with less warmth and responsiveness. Children tend to do better with the first one, because they’re learning boundaries while still feeling secure and understood.
That’s the ideal, anyway. The real challenge is that, as a dad, you can be aiming for “firm but fair” and still land on “sharp and scary” when you’re running on fumes.
It’s Not Just About Behaviour
Discipline isn’t only about getting a child to do what you’ve asked. It’s also about what they learn about themselves while you’re doing it.
If the main lesson is “Dad is unpredictable when he’s angry”, that’s not discipline, that’s fear management.
If the main lesson is “I’m always in trouble”, that doesn’t build character. It chips away at confidence.
That’s why so much good guidance circles back to praise, calm consequences, and consistency. The NHS advice on dealing with behaviour problems talks about rewarding good behaviour with attention and specific praise, and being careful not to slip into bribery. It’s not because everyone’s trying to turn parenting into a gold-star chart. It’s because kids repeat what gets noticed, and they need to know you see them doing things right too.
And it’s why some NHS materials explicitly warn that blaming, shaming, or punishing can leave children feeling worse about themselves, and may even make behaviour harder to manage.
So if you’re worrying you might be too strict, you’re not overthinking it. You’re paying attention to the bigger picture: discipline is meant to teach, not crush.
Signs You Might Be Crossing The Line
This isn’t a checklist to beat yourself up with. It’s more like a few “hmm” moments to watch for.
- Your child is compliant, but not confident – If they do what you say but seem anxious, overly eager to please, or scared of making mistakes, it can be a sign the discipline feels heavy rather than helpful.
- They don’t tell you things – Kids hide stuff for loads of reasons, but if they’re avoiding you when they’ve messed up, it may be because consequences feel unbearable or unpredictable.
- You correct far more than you connect – If most interactions are instructions, warnings, and corrections, the relationship starts to feel like a workplace performance review. Nobody thrives under that.
- You’re enforcing rules you don’t really believe in – Sometimes you’re not defending a value, you’re defending your pride because you’ve already said it out loud.
- You’re using consequences that don’t teach anything – If the consequence is mainly there to make them feel bad, it’s not really discipline, it’s just punishment dressed up as “learning”.
What “Firm But Not Crushing” Looks Like
Keep rules simple and consistent
A lot of problems come from having too many rules, too often, delivered too loudly. Some NHS guidance suggests keeping boundaries simple and being consistent about them. If you’ve got 27 rules, you’ll be enforcing them 27 times, and everyone will hate each other.
Swap lectures for consequences that make sense
The goal isn’t a long speech that ends with “do you understand me”. The goal is a clear, calm consequence that connects to the behaviour. Immediate and reasonable consequences are more likely to land.
Talk less when you’re angry
This sounds obvious, but it’s the difference between discipline and damage. When you’re angry, your brain is not in “teach a lesson” mode. It’s in “win the argument” mode. Kids don’t learn well in that atmosphere, and neither do we.
Praise the behaviour you want to see
This isn’t about pretending they’re an angel. It’s about noticing progress. The NHS explicitly recommends specific praise for good behaviour. A kid who feels seen for the good stuff is less likely to build an identity around being “the naughty one”.
Give them some control without giving up control
One of the best confidence builders is letting kids make small choices inside a boundary you’ve set. The boundary stays, but they get to feel capable rather than cornered. UNICEF’s positive discipline guidance repeatedly returns to clear expectations, calm consequences, and positive attention.
The Repair Matters More Than The Perfect Reaction
Here’s the honest truth: you will get it wrong sometimes. You’ll be strict when you didn’t need to be. You’ll be harsh when you meant to be firm. You’ll hear your own voice come out sharper than you intended and you’ll see their face change.
The difference-maker isn’t that a good dad never slips. It’s what happens next.
Repair can be as simple as: I didn’t handle that well. I was stressed and I spoke too sharply. The rule still stands, but I should have said it better.
That sentence does two things at once. It keeps the boundary and it protects the relationship. It also teaches something far more valuable than obedience: how to own your behaviour and come back from it.
A kid who sees you repair learns that mistakes don’t equal shame. They learn that conflict doesn’t mean love disappears. That is confidence. Not the loud, showy kind. The quiet kind that lasts.
So Where Does That Leave Us?
If you’re asking “am I too strict?”, you’re already doing something important: you’re checking whether your discipline is helping your child grow, or simply making life easier in the moment.
Discipline that builds confidence says: I’m in charge, you’re safe, and I believe you can do better.
Discipline that kills confidence says: I’m in charge, and you should be worried about me.
Most of us are trying for the first one. The trick is noticing when stress pushes us toward the second, and pulling it back before it becomes the household atmosphere.
You don’t need to be soft. You don’t need to be stern. You need to be steady.
And on the days you aren’t steady, you can be honest, repair it, and try again tomorrow.