They say you are what you eat, but I’d argue you are what you drink — especially when it comes to coffee. For dads, coffee isn’t just a beverage. It’s a survival tactic. A personality trait. A cherished ritual in a life otherwise run by chaos, CBeebies, and crumbs.
Whether you’re grabbing a quick espresso before the nursery drop-off or sipping a carefully frothed flat white during your one quiet moment of the week, your coffee of choice might just be telling the world something about your approach to fatherhood.
So, in the name of highly unscientific but extremely relatable profiling, here’s what your regular order says about your dad style.
Black Coffee — The No-Nonsense Dad
You don’t mess about. You’ve got socks to pair, homework to supervise, and possibly a shed to reorganise. Your calendar is full, your sleep schedule is questionable, and your patience is directly proportional to your caffeine intake. Black coffee is strong, efficient, and just about the only thing in your life that hasn’t been diluted by children.
You probably own a multi-tool. You definitely have strong opinions about bin day. You may have tried to fix the boiler before calling a professional, with mixed results.
Style Rating: Practical. Probably still wearing that hoodie from 2009.
Energy Rating: Constant low-level buzzing.
Latte — The Comfort-Seeking Dad
You like your coffee like you like your parenting books: warm, smooth, and reassuring. You’re the snack-packing, playdate-scheduling, emotionally available type. You’ve mastered the art of making everything seem okay, even when the house is a war zone of toys and laundry.
You’re not afraid of a babyccino order or a bit of froth on your upper lip. You’re also the one who actually remembers to bring wet wipes everywhere, which makes you everyone’s favourite dad on a day out.
Style Rating: Casual but coordinated. May own slippers that aren’t a joke.
Energy Rating: Caffeine-supported calm.
Flat White — The Hipster Dad
You pretend it’s because it has “less milk” but deep down, you just like saying flat white. You appreciate balance — in your brew, your beard, and your Bluetooth speaker’s playlist. You’re probably the dad who’s introduced your child to both David Bowie and oat milk.
You own a reusable cup with some sort of Scandi design and you know what “single origin” means, even if you sometimes pretend not to. Your buggy is likely collapsible with one hand, and your changing bag doesn’t look like a changing bag. Nicely done.
Style Rating: Minimalist chic. Trainers cost more than your car.
Energy Rating: Steady, with occasional overthinking.
Espresso — The Time-Poor Dad
You are fuelled by intensity and sleep deprivation. Espresso is not a drink, it’s a shot of survival. You don’t have time for milk or foam or chocolate dusting — you’ve got three lunchboxes to pack, a deadline to hit, and someone yelling “Dad, where’s my shoes?” from another room.
You’ve perfected the technique of downing one while standing in the kitchen like it’s a relay baton. And you probably refer to sleep as a “nice idea.”
Style Rating: Whatever was clean.
Energy Rating: Sporadic bursts of productivity followed by collapse.
Cappuccino — The Classic Dad
You enjoy the little things — frothy milk, a sprinkle of chocolate, maybe even a biscuit on the side. You’re the dad who likes a routine: story time at seven, bed by eight (for them, not you), and the same trusty mug every morning.
You probably listen to classic rock, refer to cartoons as “programmes,” and still write lists on paper. You’re the safe pair of hands in the madness — and when the kids want a cuddle, it’s your lap they choose.
Style Rating: Timeless, with a few 90s hangovers.
Energy Rating: Consistent. Until bedtime stories start.
Frappuccino — The Unapologetically Indulgent Dad
You’ve stopped pretending you’re in it for the coffee. This is dessert in a cup and you deserve it. You’ve likely just survived soft play, a four-year-old’s party, or a trip to the supermarket with two overtired children and no snacks.
You embrace the chaos. You know life’s too short to always be sensible, and sometimes a towering pile of whipped cream and caramel drizzle is exactly what the day calls for. You may also be the king of dad jokes and novelty mugs.
Style Rating: Bright, bold, and possibly wearing Crocs “for the banter.”
Energy Rating: Sugar high followed by existential crash.
Decaf — The Zen Dad (or the Very Tired One)
You either have life totally under control, or you’ve had so much caffeine over the years that your heart now politely refuses. Either way, you’re a calm presence in a household full of noise, questions, and misplaced Lego. You speak in measured tones. You own an actual yoga mat.
People assume you’re calm by nature, but actually, you’ve just made peace with the madness. Also, you sleep. Regularly. What’s that like?
Style Rating: Understated. Probably owns a meditation app.
Energy Rating: More balanced than the rest of us, somehow.
The Builder’s Brew Dad — Bonus Entry
Alright, technically it’s not coffee, but if your mug contains strong tea with two sugars and you call it “a proper cuppa”, you’re probably the dependable, no-fuss type who gets things done. The one everyone calls when something needs fixing — physically or emotionally. You might not be flashy, but you’re solid. Just so long as no one else touches your special mug. Seriously.
Style Rating: Weatherproof coat and an old pair of jeans.
Energy Rating: Keeps going, even when no one else can.
Final Sip
Of course, no dad fits neatly into just one box — or mug. We’re all a bit latte on some days, a bit espresso on others. Coffee is one of the few daily rituals we manage to hang onto, and however you take yours, it’s probably doing more than just waking you up. It’s keeping you going, one sip at a time.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go reheat mine. Again.
