Diary of the Dad

Word up, Xander!

baby, books, Dad, first word, Gareth Bale, Peppa Pig, Tottenham No Responses »

May 222013

You’ve got to question the motivation of the keeper here…

Last week, I wrote about how Xander was using his first words book, among other things, as a weapon. Things have changed a little since then, however, as it seems our insistence it has another use is starting to pay off. He still hits me with it, of course, but he has now got a good few words in his vocabulary.

He has mastered both ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’ while Dylan will have to make do with being called ‘Dyda’ for the time being but he seems happy enough with that. All that is great, of course, and warmly welcomed. There’s another name that he says with affection though: ‘Peppa’. It was one of Dylan’s first words too, unfortunately. I hate that pig. On a related note, he can often be found grabbing the remote control and saying ‘telly’ – minus the l sound in the middle – I always put on CBeebies, of course. Unless it ‘accidentally’ ends up on Sky Sports News…

His most-used phrase at the moment, though, is ‘get down’. I don’t think he’s referring to an urge to dance, so he seems to be using it in the right context. Every meal time without fail – after scoffing all of his food and eyeing up mine, naturally – he’ll shout it repeatedly until he’s released from the confines of his high chair. Admittedly, he uses it meaning “Pick me up, you great lummox, my teeth are hurting” as well, but he seems to have the right kind of idea.

There is one word that I’m particularly chuffed with. I try so hard not to impose my choice of football club on the boys as I want them to make their own choices on such matters, but I suppose that they will inevitably copy things I say when I’m watching a game. Tottenham’s win against Sunderland on Sunday may well have been in vain with Newcastle not getting anything against Arsenal, but I still celebrated with a rather loud and prolonged “BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALE!” when Gareth Bale’s late effort from distance fizzed into the net. Did Xander react to this sudden outburst of noise from his father with tears? Oh no. “GOAL! GOAL! GOAL!” he shouted. Dylan then started a chorus of “BALE! BALE! BALE!” Despite Spurs not getting Champions League football again, it was a proud moment.

To go full circle, the other word he has nailed is ‘book’. It’s great that he’s showing an interest in reading – or, at least, being read to – and he seems to take great delight in the pages being turned. Plus, he can now tell me the weapon of choice he’s about to whack me with…

Review: Walkers Baked Hoops and Crosses

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May 162013

If there’s one thing that you can be sure of with Dylan and Xander it’s that, like most kids, they’ll be interested in any food that comes in certain kinds of packaging. With that in mind, it was a no brainer when I was asked by Walkers if the boys and I would be interested in reviewing their new Baked Hoops and Crosses. “Ha!” I thought. “A sneaky way of getting them to eat some wholegrain!”

What’s inside?

A suitably intriguing package duly arrived in the post a few days later and Dylan, as he does, decided it was for him. He opened it up and was greeted with a friendly toy monkey cuddling a bag of the new snack. To say he was excited would be something of an understatement. Well played, Walkers, two of his favourite things in one small box!

Hoops and Crosses come in three flavours – prawn cocktail, salt & vinegar and the ones we tried, roast beef – all of which are suitable for vegetarians. Each bag has 85 calories and the snacks are low in fat too. They’re also 56% wholegrain which, according to the booklet that also came in the box, 27% of kids in the UK don’t eat any of at all. I find this hard to fathom as I love wholegrain foods, then again I’m not a kid so I handed over responsibility for testing these tasty looking treats to Dylan and Xander.

A snack-loving monkey… and a cuddly primate

The proof of the pudding is in the eating – I know Bertolt Brecht probably wasn’t referring to lunchtime snacks when he coined that phrase, but I’m using it here anyway – so the bag was opened and the contents were snaffled in under two minutes. “Mmmm, delicious!” was Dylan’s response, while Xander literally bit the hand that fed him, such was his eagerness to get as many as his big brother. I managed to half-inch a couple too for quality control purposes and they were very tasty indeed.

I think it’s fair to say that they went down a treat here. We’ll definitely be getting them again.

Five things my one-year-old son beats me up with

baby, Batman, Dad, The Monday Club, violence 6 Responses »

May 132013

A scene from my home: yesterday

Xander has recently realised that there is more than one way of inflicting injury on me. Yay him! Whereas he could – well, still can, to be honest – be relied upon to regularly give me a hearty whack round the face or well-executed kick to the nether regions, his development into what I believe psychologists would call the ‘tool use’ stage has witnessed a shift in his focus of this strange way that little ones seem to enjoy showing their affection. Yes, he’s getting himself tooled up with some weapons. They’re unlikely ones though…

Dummies
Strange that the Americans call these ‘pacifiers’ – I’m anything but after he has deliberately dragged one up my arm, removing plenty of hair in the process. He has also realised the ballistic capabilities of these seemingly benign objects and is now hell bent on causing that baby’s favourite act of parent maiming – namely the corneal abrasion – from range.

First words book
This friendly, pocket-sized offering has cute pictures of some of the first few words that children of his age are likely to learn. Apple, flower, shoes and ball ought to be replaced with some of the comic book words popular during Adam West’s tenure as Batman though. I think biff, kapow, thunk and awk would be more apt given what the little Boy Wonder does with it. The pen, it would seem, is most definitely mightier than the sword.

Baby bottles
They’re designed to be safe for young children to use – but they don’t half pack a punch. Particularly when full. This trick has also been replicated with the baby monitor – he got Kate good and proper with it the other day. He’s obviously taking exception to us listening in on him.

Spider catcher
I hate spiders but won’t kill them. We therefore have one of those weird spider vacuums that you catch and release them with. It’s shaped like a lightsaber and my little Skywalker has already grasped its melee potential. I’m sure he’ll soon discover that he can add to the authenticity by switching on the vacuum when he swings it about in the general direction of my shins.

Breadsticks
Harmless pre-dinner snacks eh? I think not! He’s clocked that these can be used to target all sorts of various vulnerable areas and also that, if bitten off in a certain way, that they make effective shanks. I’m thinking about letting him have his way and empty all the drawers, cupboards and shelves after all…

What about your kids? Which seemingly harmless household objects have they used against you?

Featured post: Clothes maketh the little man

clothes, fashion, Featured post 4 Responses »

May 102013

I was suddenly hit by a shocking realisation the other day. My kids are much better dressed than I am. By that, I don’t mean to say that I go out with the buttons on my shirt all over the place or with my trousers on back to front, you understand, I’ve cracked those daily challenges. Mostly anyway. I do sometimes have to say “Pants before trousers, pants before trousers, pants before trousers” to myself of a morning. No, I’m talking about the actual clothes they wear.

He’s even nailed the classic looking into the middle distance pose…

While I’ve never been up to speed with fashion, I like to think that I wear good stuff and am, for the most part, well turned out. But put me next to Dylan and Xander in their threads and I look like a scarecrow. It’s my own fault in part, I suppose. I hate shopping and only go when I really need something or if there’s a sale on. The latter is a nightmare, of course; there’s one high street shop I tend to gravitate to more than others as I like the stuff it sells and it’s close to the station and a hasty retreat home from the Arndale’s finest. But come sale time, only about a third of the reduced items are for men. And every time, without fail, I get barged out of the way – usually by determined-looking women with arms full of men’s clothes. I hope they’re for the men in their lives, otherwise that’s just not fair. It’s not like I could go go round wearing a skirt without turning heads… and stomachs for that matter.

Xander, meanwhile, has perfected the “Oh, were you taking a photo of me?” look…

So that’s my excuse for my limited wardrobe, but what about the other side of the coin? Kids’ clothes, for example those from Debenhams, are way better than they once were aren’t they? I genuinely often find myself thinking “I wish I could find something like this in my size” when I’m helping Dylan into his attire and wrestling Xander into his. I saw a few pictures of myself as a young child at my parents’ house the other day; apart from the hilariously untamed mop of curls on top of my head, the things that caught my eye were the clothes I was gurning away in. Brown corduroy dungarees with a lion on them. Short shorts. Some decidedly odd grey boots. Dylan and Xander wear jeans, long-sleeved T-shirts, rugby shirts and the like. There are kid-friendly designs on many of them, of course, but the cut and colours are aesthetically pleasing – much more so than the stuff I wore as a child.

Of course, I wear similar stuff, but Dylan and Xander are definitely not ‘mini mes’ in terms of their clothing. They’re ‘mini much cooler versions of me’. Envious? Yes.

Review: Personalised Gifts Boutique print

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May 072013

Personalised dinosaur print by Personalised Gifts Boutique

Dylan’s new favourite dinosaur!

Dylan is very much into dinosaurs at the moment. He absolutely loves them and can pronounce all of their names perfectly. If he asks for a drink, it always has to be in the cup with a stegosaurus on it, every trip to the library yields at least three new books about them and whenever he draws anything, it’s inevitably a kronosaurus, oviraptor or pteranodon – apparently, tyrannosaurus rex has had his day. He quite likes Kasabian’s most recent album, Velociraptor! too. I digress. So, anyway, when the friendly folk at the Personalised Gifts Boutique got in touch to see if I’d be interested in receiving a free personalised print to review and that there was one with a dinosaur on it, the decision was an easy one.

A few days later, the print arrived safe and sound in a cardboard tube. It was well packed, with the poster rolled carefully into a large piece of tissue paper. The print quality is excellent and the paper it is on is of a high quality – the pixelated bits on the bottom of the picture here are my Photoshop handiwork to give Dylan a little bit of privacy.

It’s lovely to have something bespoke for his room and that commemorates the important details of when our little monster arrived in the world. I’ve always liked design that makes a feature of words while another of Dylan’s fixations at present is reading out letters, so this poster is very well received and will be proudly displayed in his room. And Dylan’s verdict? “I love it. Roar!” You can’t argue with that.

Of course, there are plenty more personalised gifts to choose from, so if you’re looking for a bespoke gift for someone special, there’s plenty of choice. Well worth a look.

We are the angry mob

Anger, baby, behaviour, Claire Danes, Dad, David Cameron, Foo Fighters, Homeland, Kaiser Chiefs, Keane, parenting, Queens of the Stone Age, temper, The Incredible Hulk, The Monday Club, toddler 4 Responses »

Apr 292013

An angry monkey. It reminded me of two people I know…

If there’s one song that’s stuck in my head at the moment, it’s The Angry Mob by Kaiser Chiefs. Here’s why…

Now that he’s mobile and getting into everything, Xander is learning what the word ‘no’ means. As a result, we’ve learned something too: he does seem to revel in a good whinge. I’m a little surprised at this as he’s such a chilled-out little lad for the most part. Of course he’s going to get upset and make his feelings known at times – that’s inevitable, him being a young child and all – but he really goes for it in a way I didn’t expect. He’s so used to getting knocked over by Dylan that he shrugs a lot of things off without a second thought, so I assumed he would be accepting of requests to decease his random acts of destruction. Silly, naive Tom!

They’re not fully fledged tantrums… yet, but I don’t think they’re far away. It starts with what my inlaws brilliantly refer to as an ‘old-fashioned look’; Xander’s eyes meet mine across the room after I have told him to stop headbutting the television – unless David Cameron is on the news at the time, of course. That’s fair enough – and he stares at me with a look of utter disgust on his face. He then toddles over to me, looks up and changes his expression to that of Claire Danes whenever she cries in Homeland. Then follows the inevitable Hulk smash – though the Incredible Sulk would be a more apt name. Minutes later, of course, he’ll be all sweetness and light. Little monster!

Dylan, of course, has been capable of being an angry young man for ages. As he’s a mini me, there are lots of little things that annoy him and he can be relied upon to yell at all kinds of minor irritations. The other day, for example, we were walking down to the shops and, somewhere nearby, a dog barked. “No, dog! Not woof, woof, woof!” he bellowed. It was so hard not to laugh, especially as there are variations of this. He has also been known to admonish birds, the wind – like a mini King Lear – and even me for trying to calm him down by humming a tune I wheel out for such situations. It has to be said that he can hold a note beautifully – even in moments of rage. And yes, “No Daddy! Not hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm-hmmm” is my personal favourite.

Speaking of music, maybe that’s where the answer lies? Perhaps I should soothe my little angry mob by playing them something else from our music collection. Queens of the Stone Age and Foo Fighters probably wouldn’t do the trick, so I’ll go for something tame, calming and thoroughly underwhelming. Like the latest Keane album…

Silent Sunday #18

Silent Sunday 2 Responses »

Apr 282013

Featured post: Quick on the drawer

baby, CBeebies, Dad, drawers, Featured post, furniture, Luis Suarez, zombies No Responses »

Apr 262013

To normal people: a place for your pants. To Xander: a playground

Xander has been getting more and more adventurous of late; the novelty of being able to walk seems to have worn off and now seems to be considered a means to an end in his now-more-pressing mission to investigate anything and everything. With the ability to perambulate from A to B well established in his repertoire, he is now swaggering around looking for new challenges. And by ‘challenges’ I of course mean ‘acts of destruction’.

He has been climbing onto Dylan’s toddler bed to have a good old bounce, hysterical laugh and munch of cuddly toys’ ears for a while and has, only this week, mastered climbing onto the sofas where he literally seizes control and tries to change the channel from CBeebies to something wildly inappropriate. Thank goodness we had the foresight to set a pin number on it!

His favourite pastime though, without a shadow of doubt, is unpacking things. He can’t help himself. If there is any kind of container that has been foolishly left in his presence, he’ll get to to work on it like Luis Suarez on an unsuspecting opponent. Boxes, laundry baskets, bookcases, my bag. You name it.

We once had a perfectly alphabetised DVD collection in our front room – I know that’s really dorky but, in our defence, we have loads of the things and it’s the best way of finding them – but this is no longer the case. If we turn our backs for as much as a minute, he’ll be throwing them everywhere, opening the boxes and trying to eat the discs. Maybe he’s done us a favour though – one of the boxsets that was at the perfect height for him was Zombie Flesh Eaters. Perhaps when we eventually get round to putting things in some kind of order we should do Z-A instead.

Chests of drawers are his absolute favourite though. Give him half a chance and there will be clothes, takeaway menus and the kinds of things that I don’t know why we kept in the first place everywhere. No contents are spared; all of them will either end up on the floor, in his mouth or on the floor having been in his mouth. Not only this though; he’s worked out that, if he’s clever and pulls them out at varying extents, there is a ladder of sorts to all the forbidden things on top of the drawers. Monkey!

I remember Dylan going through a similar phase, but don’t recall it being nearly as frustrating. Maybe that’s because there are two of them now and, although he’s long since over such behaviour, Dylan can’t resist a bit of monkey see, monkey do.

I think I’m going to have to start taking them for walks round furniture stores…

Dances with woodlice

baby, Dad, dancing, fear, toddler, woodlice, zombies 4 Responses »

Apr 162013

Woodlice: they’ve got the moves like Jagger

I write this post while taking part in the boss battle that is the end of a really nasty virus. I haven’t felt so ill in ages; my energy has been completely sapped, my limbs have ached, my voice has been replaced by a largely inarticulate groaning sound and my brain hurts. To all intents and purposes, I could actually be turning into an extra from the film that this blog is sort of named after. A zombie – or Tombie, if you will. But this post isn’t about me facing my nemesis… nope, it’s about an interloper in our home which has become the ‘hunter’ of one and the hunted of another.

Of course, I’m referring to that formidable foe known as the woodlouse. Naturally. Our house is over 100 years old so we do get a few unwanted miniature visitors finding their way in via little nooks and crannies now and then. The most common of these are the aforementioned prehistoric-looking creatures which, of course, are always humanely evicted to the garden where they can earn their keep.

One day last week, Kate caught Dylan running on the spot. “Are you dancing, little man?” she asked him. “No Mummy. There’s a hedgehog. Argh!” was his response. We were all baffled until we saw one of the little exoskeleton-sporting fiends dashing for cover underneath the sofa. I don’t know how we stopped ourselves from laughing both at the cause of this panic and our firstborn’s classification of it, but somehow we did. I have to say, I admire his approach to fear – next time something frightens me I’m going to dance until it goes away.

The day after this, a similar face off occurred – although this time there was a definite act of aggression by one of the involved parties. This particular crustacean had the misfortune of crossing the path of Xander whose curiosity knows no fear. Within seconds, the Porcellio Scaber – yes, I looked up woodlice on Wikipedia – was held in a firm but non-life-threatening grip and moving ever closer to a terrifying black hole with seven teeth around its menacing edge. Evidently, Xander thought it was a mobile raisin. We’ve all made that mistake.

Fortunately, my goalkeeper-like reflexes meant that little man didn’t get his first taste of woodlouse and that, after curling into an almost-perfect sphere for a few minutes, the many-legged mini beast lived to tell the tale. Not that I imagine they talk to each other. I mean it didn’t say they do on Wikipedia, so that must be right.

Honey, I’m home!

Blogger, bloggers, moving, WordPress 6 Responses »

Apr 112013

Moving home… geddit?!

Right, I’m here, most of my stuff from the old blog seems to have found its way here relatively unscathed and, to continue the analogy I left Blogger with a week or so ago, there are several boxes of things I need either to unpack or see if I can live without and shove them in the loft. High time I actually wrote a post on this temporarily baffling new platform, methinks…

The new-look Diary of the Dad is a bit like Xander at the moment in that there are some teething problems. Were he not already keeping me awake at night with his howls of dental-based woe, WordPress would probably be stepping up to the plate and doing likewise. I’ve had a few minor victories along the way – sussing out permalinks, menus and a weird glitch that made my banner inexplicably duplicate despite several instructions to the contrary, but there is still much to do. Most of the shiny badges I’ve amassed in the last couple of years need to be retrieved and added, as does the list of other people’s blogs I like to read.

It’s a lot like my real-world home since we moved in really; it’s comfortable enough to live in, but there are loads of little jobs that need doing around the place and the light switches aren’t where I’m used to idly reaching for them. Consequently, the place is a bit of a mess. Vaguely ordered mess, but mess nonetheless. If there is a virtual/blogging equivalent of eating takeaway on the floor and drinking wine from odd mugs, that is what I’m doing at this precise moment.

I’m still not sure about the look of the new site but, you know what? Sod it! I’m going to adopt the same approach I have to parenting and make it up as I go along. Dylan and Xander have turned out fine, so hopefully the new Diary of the Dad will do likewise.

What do you think so far? Any comments are most welcome!

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