Something happens to you when you become a Dad. Fatherhood changes a man.
I’m not talking about that new found feeling of responsibility, the protective streak that wasn’t there before, or the pressure to provide a better life, oh no. Those things happen as well, don’t get me wrong, but all Dads experience those changes in different ways. I’m talking about something unifying and inescapable:
Dad jokes.
Yep. Some kind of chemical shift occurs in the brain of every new father, and their desire to make people cringe rather than laugh is heightened, and that’s when the Dad jokes start coming out. We begin to love a pun. We enjoy nothing more than cracking out an absolute stinker of a joke that makes an entire conversation fall apart at the dinner table, all the while we gleefully grin at everyone’s groans and line up the next one.
And it only gets worse as you get older.
Well, lucky for you, my supply of Dad jokes is top tier, and I have lots of them in my armoury too. In the spirit of causing as much Dad joke awkwardness as possible, I’m going to share them with you here.
By the way, do you have any idea where I keep all by Dad jokes? In a Dadabase!
The Best Dad Jokes
I used to hate facial hair…
then it grew on me.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know which comes first.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
but I turned myself around.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I’m on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
Want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.
What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers?
In case he got a hole in one.
I used to play piano by ear…
but now I use my hands.
I used to be a baker…
but I couldn’t make enough dough.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
So-fish-ticated.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
I would tell you a chemistry joke…
but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
I don’t play football because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
I got hit in the head with a can of Coke…
but it didn’t hurt— it was a soft drink.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went…
then it dawned on me.
I’m reading a book on glue.
I just can’t put it down.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
What do you call a belt made of watches?
A waist of time.
I bought a boat…
I could only afford it because it was on sail.
Why did the math book look sad?
Too many problems.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
I used to be a kleptomaniac…
but I took something for it.
I know a great joke about a broken pencil.
Actually, never mind, it’s pointless.
I’m friends with all electrician.
We have good current connections.
My boss told me to have a good day…
so I went home.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people…
but none of them work.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the picture go to prison?
It was framed.
I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole-destroying.
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it’s tear-able.
Why was the broom late?
It overswept.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It caught a virus.
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain.
What does a camp horse eat?
Heeeeeeyyyy!
I’m terrified of elevators.
I take steps to avoid them.
I used to date a baker…
but we just didn’t knead each other.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.
I don’t trust those trees.
They look kind of shady.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke…
but you guys didn’t like it.
Why did the stadium get hot?
All the fans left.
I gave all my dead batteries away…
free of charge.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
It felt crummy.
Why don’t crabs give to charity?
They’re shellfish.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
I’m just bought a book on procrastination.
I’ll start it tomorrow.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents.
I don’t trust calendars.
Their days are numbered.
I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Mist.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick by mistake…
she still isn’t talking to me.
Why did the M&M go to school?
Because it wanted to be a Smartie.
What do you call a magician who loses his magic?
Ian.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you.
It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra.
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.
I used to be indecisive.
Now I’m not so sure.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground?
They woke up eventually.
Why did the smartphone wear glasses?
It lost its contacts.
I once had a job crushing cans.
It was soda pressing.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two-tired.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
A barberqueue.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
Why don’t koalas count as bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
I built a model of Mount Everest. My son asked if it’s to scale.
“No,” I said, “it’s to look at.”
Why did the golfer bring an extra shirt?
In case he got a hole in one.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
What do you call a computer that sings?
A Dell.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent.
I am a master of disguise.
But no one realises because I hide it very well.
Dad Jokes By Theme
Want even more jokes? Or perhaps you’re looking for something specific for your repertoire – an opener for your best man speech, or some festive gags to show that santa isn’t the only one who can dish out the ‘ho ho ho’s – don’t worry, we have you covered: