Animals according to my five-year-old

A newt with a speech bubble saying "Strewth!" Animals according to my five-year-old.

Youngest has always been a very knowledgeable little girl and, with two older siblings always talking about things they’re interested in, she knows way more than they did at the same age.

Speaking of which, it’s quite arresting when she comes out with something that reminds us that she is still just five years old.

She loves animals and regularly regales us with facts about them. A few of her recent observations have been lovely and hilarious in equal measure.

So here are animals according to my five-year-old…

I’m not a bat

One day last week, she came back from school proudly clutching a card that came with the Bear Yoyo she had in her packed lunch. “Cool, you got a wombat!” I said. “It’s a bear,” she replied with a hint of amusement in her voice. Clearly, she thought I was being silly.

“No, lovely, it’s a wombat,” came my reply. “No, Daddy, they’re a kind of bat.” You can see her logic, of course. But it was so funny. I came back with one of her favourite lines from Stickman: “I’m not a bat!” It would have been very wrong of me not to.

Cats land on their feet…

She recently got a new pair of shoes and, as is often the way with small children and new footwear, has fallen over a few times while getting used to them.

She obviously knew the old adage about cats always landing on their feet, as well as the fact that all things canine are their natural opposites. I know all of this because she earnestly told me that she landed on her hands and front “like a dog”.


Our garden backs onto a field surrounded by trees so we see lots of birds every day. Robins, blue tits, blackbirds and starlings are regular visitors to our back yard. As are sparrows.

And they’re brazen little gits. Always peering in through the window and not abashed about getting in our personal space while we’re outside. They fly so close to our heads that we can hear their wings. She describes this as “waffling” so sparrows will henceforth be called wafflers.

What a croc

At school, there’s a nature area where children can go pond dipping. One day, she came home excited to report that baby crocodiles were in attendance. “I saw that they were green, had scales and sharp teeth,” she enthused.

I’m pretty sure what she encountered were newts but this could be useful for preventing her from going near large stretches of water so I’m keeping this one up my sleeve.

Filthy giraffes

We recently had a chat about which animals we’d like to be and she was pretty sure she wanted to be a giraffe. She’s a lot taller than most of her classmates, so that may have been the reason for her choice. She suddenly changed her mind, however.

Apparently, because giraffes “drink dirty water from the sea”. To be fair, this came hot on the heels of the baby crocodiles story, so maybe that played a part. Either way, I  have a new-found disgust for giraffes. Filthy creatures.

So there you have it. Animals according to my five-year-old. Which funny things have your kids come out with about the natural world?


  1. John Adams

    I am loving the idea of filthy giraffes. I can’t think of anything my kids have said, but I struggled to say bumble bees when little so used to call them “bumbly bills.”

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