I realised today that I may be allowed to play five-a-side relatively soon. I’ve really missed my weekly game of football so can’t wait for it to kick off again. There’s only one problem. I’m horribly unfit.
Thanks to hurting my back moving home shortly before the first lockdown, it’s been at least 13 months since I last played.
As a lifelong Spurs fan, I’m no stranger to players missing a horrendous number of games. They once had Darren Anderton and Jamie Redknapp in the same squad. The poor physios.
It has also been a year since I started working at home. For the most part, this is a good thing – but not in terms of exercise! I used to get my 10,000 steps a day easily when I had a commute and fourth-floor office, but have really struggled to get as many in while working remotely.
Of course, there have been school runs – well, sometimes – family walks and the odd game of three and in with the kids, but this isn’t the same. You can’t smash a volley at a five-year-old, after all.
So I need to get in shape quickly. With that in mind, I’ve invested in a smart scale that shares data with my Fitbit. Because nothing motivates me more than machines ganging up on me. Seriously, if the machines do ever rise up against us, put me on the front line. I’ll be ready, hamstring permitting.
The early results have been encouraging. I’m getting significantly more steps every day and have already lost a few pounds of winter/spring/summer/autumn/winter weight.
But I’ve also come to the sad conclusion that my knees have been replaced with Weetabix. This is corroborated by my smart scales app which says my bone density is a tad lower than it ought to be. Plus my old muscular injury that caused a heart scare is back. So that’s fun.
I guess I’ll have to just carry on being shamed into regular exercise by technology and hope that I can get into my football shorts when it’s time to kick off again. The shirt won’t be an issue – I still have the ridiculously stretchy 2003-04 season Kappa effort Messrs Anderton and Redknapp didn’t get many outings in.
Either way, I know I’m going to roar when I score my first post-lockdown goal. Probably as a result of throwing my back out in doing so, but we’ll see.
Maybe I should suggest we try walking football instead…