Christmas according to my five-year-old

A chalkboard with the words "Christmas according to my five-year-old" written on it, surrounded by Christmas decorations.

Christmas will be really different for many of us this year. To say that 2020 has been horrible would be a massive understatement. I feel particularly sorry for kids.

While we’ve never known anything like it either, it’s harder for them to comprehend and they’ve missed out on so much too.

So it’s vital that we do our best to give our children the best Christmas possible. Naturally, all three of mine are well onside with this. Especially youngest.

It’s heartening to see that her sense of wonder remains completely unaffected by the shitshow that 2020 has been.

She’s got some interesting ideas, however. So here’s Christmas according to my five-year-old…

The Naughty List

Clearly inspired by a couple of current favourite books, the subject of which of Santa’s lists she’s going to be on comes up quite a bit. She’s very confident that she’s on the nice list – which, of course, she is, but don’t tell her that. It’s good to keep them on their toes.

I was interested to know who she thought was on the Naughty List – mainly to gauge the current relationship with her brothers. Without hesitation, she named the top two people on it. “Donald Trump and Boris Johnson”. Well, I can’t argue with that.

Treats for Santa

Making sure the right treats are left out for the big man is of great importance to her too. She’s very clear that the eight-year-old can’t deal with the carrot for the reindeer as she has seen a picture of him nibbling one when he was a toddler.

She will be leaving out that, the one-time carrot thief will get the mince pie and oldest the drink. She stipulated that the latter must be Baileys. Hey, I’m not going to interfere with these instructions.

Christmas dinner

She loves her food. Well, everything apart from vegetables, anyway. So the main meal has cropped up in conversation a lot. But she keeps referring to the various courses as “tasks”.

I’m now slightly concerned that she’s going to take over with a Taskmaster-style feast, whereby we have to eat wearing oven gloves while sporadically shouting “Merry Christmas” in different languages. Ah well, it’ll be an interesting alternative to the standard festive boardgames.


Apropos of nothing on the school run last week, she said: “I don’t trust sprouts”. I still don’t know whether she meant the flavour or the other thing they’re famous for, but she’s not having any of it.

To remedy this, I read her a book in which other vegetables learn to be nice to sprouts. Did it work? Of course not. She remains unimpressed.

Christmas telly

We’re all looking forward to various things on TV – basically, anything other than the news or the unfathomably popular Mrs Brown’s Boys. And, this year, she has taken it upon herself to secretly schedule the recordings.

I went to record Zog and the Flying Doctors only to realise when double-checking that another version was already scheduled. Of course, I had done what I always do and scheduled it for normal BBC. Clearly aware of my forgetfulness, she has pre-empted me by doing so on BBC HD.

So that’s Christmas according to my five-year-old. It sounds pretty good to me, to be honest.

I hope you all have the best possible Christmas under the current circumstances and here’s to a much better year in 2021.


  1. Eddie

    They do come out with some hilarious things, the veg on the Christmas Dinner is an open debate with all my girls.

    Hope you and the family have a great Christmas.

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  2. Pingback: I'm already exhausted by homeschooling | Family life | Diary of the Dad

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