Big news. The toddler finally knows how to spit out toothpaste. It came at a cost, of course. My favourite hoodie is now slightly stained. But at least some progress has been made.
Just under a year ago, I wrote a post about how to brush a toddler’s teeth in 37 easy steps. I can probably now think of it as 36 steps. Progress.
I wish the same could be said about the rest of the bedtime routine. There’s still work to be done on that front here.
However, we have a routine of sorts. So, in case you’re where we were a couple of months ago, here’s how to put your toddler to bed in the most streamlined way I know.
- Ensure that your toddler has said goodnight to everyone.
- Get toddler to their bedroom.
- Chase toddler when they inevitably run away.
- Attempt rugby tackle on runaway toddler.
- Fail miserably and assess your injuries as toddler requests repeat performance.
- Catch toddler and escort them back to their room.
- Attempt to put pyjamas on toddler.
- Point out to toddler that it’s rather decadent to wear a different pair of pyjamas every night and extoll virtues of wearing the same ones on consecutive nights.
- Allow toddler to wear whatever the hell they want to bed.
- Don’t allow toddler to dress themselves. They’ll only run off again.
- After toddler objects to offers of help and bounces on bed, allow them to dress themselves.
- Take toddler to bathroom.
- Tell toddler to go to the toilet.
- Stop toddler unravelling bog roll.
- Allow toddler to remove toddler seat and step.
- Allow toddler to flush toilet. Doing so yourself is an act of war.
- Chase after toddler when they attempt to run off without washing hands.
- Return toddler to bathroom without touching their dirty toilet hands.
- Try to appear unflapped when they touch your face with dirty toilet hands.
- Insist that toddler washes their hands.
- Watch in horror as toddler wipes their runny nose on hand towel.
- Put hand towel in washing basket and replace with a clean one.
- Trick toddler into drying their hands by asking them to give you ten with your hands under the clean towel.
- Brush their teeth, ensuring you observe all 37 steps.
- Put toddler in their bed.
- Allow toddler back out of bed to say goodnight to everyone again.
- Read toddler first book.
- Read toddler second book while trying not to nod off yourself.
- Tell toddler there’s no time for a third book.
- Read toddler third book.
- Cuddle and kiss toddler goodnight.
- Remind toddler that they won’t get the LEGO set they keep asking for unless they stay in their own bed all night.
- Switch off light.
- Switch light back on when toddler complains.
- Resist all requests for a glass of water.
- Attempt to tell toddler they don’t need another wee.
- Allow toddler to try for another wee.
- Remind toddler that it’s not cool to tell fibs about needing a wee.
- Repeat steps 13 to 23, omitting step 14 if they haven’t actually been.
- Allow toddler to perform blanket trick with towel.
- Retrieve towel from floor to find that toddler has, in fact, disappeared.
- Find toddler feigning sleep in someone else’s bed.
- Return toddler to their own bed.
- Stand guard at doorway and wait for toddler to fall asleep. This can take a while. Have a copy of War and Peace handy.
- Once toddler is asleep, switch off light and escape silently.
- Spend sparse remainder of evening in silence, including your own bedtime routine.
- Get woken up by toddler at around 3am.
- Quickly remember the previous 47 steps and allow them to sleep in your bed.
- Console yourself by remembering that they will eventually grow up and move out.
Comments
Hilarious!xx
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This has made me giggle. I love the fact that you have a routine, a routine is so important.
I am cracking uo because tbis is my life right now! We seem to have perfected this routine over here!
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