Creepy things my kids say and do

One of my favourite things about having kids is the funny things they say and do. I love how out of left field some of them are.

They speak without any kind of filter and as thoughts come to them. Sometimes, I can pinpoint where certain utterances or actions have come from, but others leave me completely flummoxed.

Not content with reeling off a load of grown-up phrases recently, youngest has started saying some hilariously creepy things in a very matter-of-fact way.

Last week, for example, she came to see me at my desk with two of her three favourite dolls. “Where’s the other one?” I asked her. “She’s in the forest, being chased by hungry wolves” she calmly replied.

Later the same day, I overheard her playing a game in which she was pretending that her toys were taking it in turns to bite her. I genuinely thought she was in pain until I looked up to see her laughing.

And a few days beforehand, I witnessed her telling the cat to “get stuffed”. To be fair, she probably got that from me. I’ve been known to say it when watching clips of Prime Minister’s Questions.

At least I hope it’s that and not indicative of a working knowledge of taxidermy.

What’s more, her recent efforts at colouring in a picture of Peppa Pig were, well, a tad “Why so serious?”

A day or so later, oldest asked who her favourite character from The LEGO Batman Movie was, proffering Batman, Batgirl and Robin as the choices. “Joker,” she said. Coincidence? I think not!

A picture of Peppa Pig that has been scribbled on by a toddler.

Not to be outdone, her six-year-old brother managed to turn his Tudor homework into something a tad disturbing last weekend. All he needed to do was make a replica of one of Henry VIII’s castles.

Reluctant to assist with the hell of making a cardboard one, I suggested he make it out of LEGO. He thought this was a great idea and proceeded to make a miniature Hever Castle. As soon as it was complete, he disappeared to his room.

Ten minutes later, he emerged with seven minifigures. One of which was a passable King Henry, complete with the angriest looking sword he could find.

The other six were, of course, the wives. Which he then placed in order in front of the castle. And, yes, Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard’s bonces were separated from their bodies.


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They had no heads and I had no words.

What innocent but nonetheless creepy things have your kids said or done?

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