What are your parenting superhuman skills?

My oldest child will be eight tomorrow. It doesn’t feel that long ago since he arrived, but a lot has happened since then. We’ve welcomed two more children and I’ve had a career path worthy of a roller coaster. As a result, I’ve changed a lot as a person.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all contemplative and reflect on things. That’s not my bag. Daft whimsy is about to ensue. You see, lately, I’ve surprised myself with things I’ve instinctively done.

It would be easy and, indeed, foolish to dismiss them as being things that I’ve learned from experience. I think I may actually have developed superhuman skills and, therefore, the right to wear my pants on the outside without the risk of public ridicule.

Knowing the weather without checking

This happens so often these days. The kids always open the curtains as, apparently, doing so is prestigious. We’re too busy in the kitchen making breakfast to look outside, so have no idea what kind of day awaits.

If the kids are irritable, I know it’s going to be windy and will be ready to deal with their King Lear routine on the school run. If they won’t stop bickering even when told, it’s inevitable that there’s a full moon imminent. I’m basically a barometer now.

Packing the shopping in Aldi

I know that most supermarket checkout staff these days are fast, but those at Aldi are something else. Yet, only last week, there was no shopping left on the small area at the end of the checkout when it was time to pay. And the eggs were on top.

This was despite being sleep deprived and with only one coffee in my system. The only possible explanation is that I have lightning-fast reactions that only come into play in supermarkets that sell products with funny names.

Stepping on LEGO without feeling pain

The boys are dreadful at tidying their room and are forever dropping bits of LEGO on the floor. I always check on all three kids just before going to bed and almost always end up standing on the pesky things. The LEGO, that is, not my kids.

It would appear that I’ve finally become impervious to these basically-indestructible objects. Sign me up for that LEGO firewalk. I’ll ace it.

Reading without reading

I can now ‘read’ almost any bedtime story without the book. This includes using emphasis on words that are italicised and, of course, all the different regional accents I like to use.

I’ve always had a good memory but, since becoming a parent, it hasn’t been as sharp as it once was. Sure, I can still recall every word to 1980s TV commercials, but I struggle to remember newer things. That doesn’t seem to apply to stories, however. I’m a modern-day Teddy Ruxpin.

Yes, these are all very specific superhuman skills. They’re not going to save the world or achieve anything of note. But they’ve saved me from injury and social embarrassment so that’ll do me.

What are your parenting superhuman skills?

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