Four playground tricks my kids play on me

A cabbage.

All three of my children seem to get cheekier with every passing day. Particularly my two sons. They have an ever-growing repertoire of ways to humiliate me in front of other people.

I used to think I’m reasonably cool as far as my children are concerned, but clearly not. Their antics have proved that I’m really not down with the kids.

So, just in case you haven’t fallen for any of these yet, here are four playground tricks to look out for.

The scuba dive

The child in question approaches you with a look suggesting that they have good news to impart. You instantly feel the warm glow of pride and are eager to discover what they have achieved. They proffer a high five both verbally and with a raised hand.

You happily join in. Only for them to make a swooping movement with said hand accompanied by the scathingly delivered words “scuba dive”.

The Floss

Yes, I’m aware that this is a dance craze that’s taking schools by storm. Yet it can also be used in an unnerving way to intimidate bad dancers while they’re quietly sat at their desks working.

Yes, I’m also aware that this sounds rather specific. Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s a sub-craze. The children creep up with the same stealth at the weeping angels in Dr Who. Suddenly, they are right behind you performing the dance. It makes me jump anyway.

The Kaiser Chief

This act of juvenile oneupmanship is usually deployed in unfamiliar surroundings. Your child asks you what something out of your immediate line of vision is. You turn to look at said entity, only to realise that there is nothing there.

At this point, your child unleashes a vociferous “Ohhhhhhhhh” sound that the Kaiser Chiefs would be proud of. If there are siblings or friends present, they will join in, thus amplifying both the volume and your sense of foolishness.

The cabbage

This is a variation on the scuba dive but demonstrates sufficient creative flair to be included in its own right. Your child approaches and offers you a fist bump. Again, due to a feeling of joy at a shared moment between two generations, you gladly participate. At this point, they swiftly open their hand, grab your fist and shout “cabbage!”

This move seems to be a new player and very much what all the cool kids are doing these days. Indeed, only this week I witnessed it being used on a karate sensei with no fear of reprisals.

Which playground tricks do your kids play on you?

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