Five lies my toddler tells

A toddler with a cheeky look on her face.

Amelie turns two later this month and has become quite the little talker. I love this stage of a kid’s linguistic development. Partly because it’s wonderful to hear them articulate their thoughts and partly because half of it is utter nonsense.

As well as the scribble talk she comes out with when she doesn’t know the right word, there are some perfectly coherent statements that are outright lies. It seems that for every “Hey, Daddy! I got a flubadubadah” there’s a completely unfounded claim.

The thing is, I think she knows she’s fibbing some of the time. There’s a Machiavellian quality to some of them too. Here, then, are five lies my toddler tells…

I’m stuck

In addition to the chatterbox stage, Amelie is also enjoying the climbing over the sofa phase. As a result, she does sometimes end up stuck between it and the TV unit. But she doesn’t use this phrase solely in this situation. She deploys it when she’s stood in the middle of the floor too. Lie!

I can cook

Presumably she picked this one up from the CBeebies show of the same name, but she understands the context. The other day when I had tucked her in for the night and was waiting for her to drop off to sleep so I could go and eat, she began her daily appeal to be allowed downstairs. “Downstairs please… I can cook!” she claimed. Rubbish!

[My favourite food is] Calpol

Ordinarily her answer to the question of what she loves to eat is the perfectly sensible “chocolate cake”, thus proving another sound understanding of the given context. Did she give the same answer in front of my sister though? Of course not. “Calpol” she said. We don’t even give her the stuff anymore as she doesn’t get on with it. Bullshit!

I did it!

In the same way Prometheus stole fire from the gods, Amelie steals my thunder left, right and centre. She’ll ask me to reassemble a LEGO model she’s nicked from her brothers and smile sweetly as I do so. I’ll hand it back and, before she breaks it again, she’ll proudly take the credit. “I did it, Daddy – look!” Erm, I don’t think so…

Upstairs, Downstairs

She clearly likes to give us the runaround quite literally. If something she has been spotted with is conspicuous by its sudden absence, we enquire as to its whereabouts. Without fail she will nominate the floor of the house she isn’t on. Are the missing items ever where she says they are? No. Do we always fall for it? Of course.

Which lies do your toddlers tell you?


  1. Alice Burrell

    I love it!!! This is hilarious!

    Henry gave my babysitter quite an fright when his phrase of the week was “I need help!” which he would chant at every opportunity. Poor girl went home traumatised after he stood at his door bellowing it all evening. He was perfectly fine, just didn’t fancy a snooze quite yet.

    Also, he went through a stage of confusing Calpol with actual Cows. That was weird. “Look, Mummy, there’s a cow-pol!”

    Finally, in response to “where is it?” for lost objects, I got the answer “in the bin.” Dammit, I fell for that one a few times too – yuck.

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