Head, shoulders, knees and toes. Once a harmless children’s song although I’ve now come to think of it as a battle cry from my offspring. It’s fair to say that my kids have made an impression on me in more ways than one.
While I love them unconditionally I’ll still whinge about them on occasion – particularly when they cause me injury. Before they were on the scene, I was in great condition. Nowadays I’m more like Darren Anderton. Here are my top five kid-related injuries. Starting with a fun story from last week…
I went to see a doctor because I was experiencing chest pains. I was optimistic it wasn’t anything too bad but, as I have asthma, I wanted to be sure. Fortunately it was the briefest of appointments as, within moments, he had allayed my fears. It was muscular. Phew.
It didn’t take long to work out how it had happened. Amelie has a habit of asking to be picked up only to try and throw herself backwards onto the floor. It’s one of her trademark ninja moves. I should have seen it coming.
Something else I should have seen coming are the numerous corneal abrasions I’ve suffered at the hands of all three kids. Dylan, Xander and Amelie have all completed the apparent rite of passage that is scratching my eye ball. It’s a strange way of showing affection but a common one nonetheless.
It’s lovely when your toddler decides they want to kiss you goodnight. What isn’t as heartwarming is when they misjudge the distance and end up headbutting the bridge of your nose. For the most part, the resulting nosebleeds aren’t too bad but I’ve had the odd one in which I end up looking like Terry Butcher.
People often cite the coming together of LEGO and bare feet as among the most painful of kid-related injuries, but what about its younger yet bigger relative, DUPLO? While playing with Amelie last week, I knelt on a piece that had got away. It was agony. Perhaps I deserved it for recreating a notable scene from The Hangover Part 3 with the bricks beforehand, but I still feel hard done by.
Kicks in the ‘orchestras’
A perhaps predictable inclusion, but it is easily among the most painful. Again, this is something that each child has managed to achieve – particularly in the toddler years. Amelie, for example, is now the perfect height. If I’m not careful when picking her up, I end up receiving a two-footed tackle in, err… the tackle. Just as well we’ve decided to stop at three kids.
Which kid-related injuries have you suffered?