Five ways my kids outwit me while asleep

A toddler sleeping with a thought bubble saying "Mwa, ha, haaaa!" superimposed. Five ways my kids outwit me while asleep.

It never ceases to amaze me how my kids are able to get one over on me. Despite being obviously older and allegedly wiser than them, they all record regular victories over me.

Alarmingly, I have just realised that a large number of these are while they are asleep. Yes, they can literally beat me with their eyes shut. Oh dear. Here are five ways my kids outwit me while asleep…

Electronic minefield

Amelie is still difficult to get to sleep and fights it every inch of the way. As a result, it’s quite easy to wake her up from downstairs in the immediate aftermath of her dropping off. She knows this and leaves a trap. A minefield of electronic toys switched on and scattered carefully across the living room floor. If I make it to the sofa without being serenaded first by a singing cat and then Amelie via the baby monitor, it’s a minor miracle.

A man's feet tiptoeing around electronic toys so as not to wake his sleeping children.

Sofa so good?

If I’m able to negotiate the first challenge there is another equally fiendish task ahead. The perilous act of sitting on the sofa. Thanks to Dylan and Xander’s refusal to accept that it isn’t actually a trampoline, it’s not as comfy as it once was. Indeed, the other night I slumped into it after a particularly testing bedtime battle and a spring went. I’m still miffed at the injustice of this.

Figure it out

If I manage to sit down without another spring going or the existing damaged one making an almighty bang, there’s another problem. You see, all three kids enjoy stashing things behind the cushions. It’s a common occurrence to sit down on some Batman figures or to get a Clangers slide whistle stabbing me in the lower back.

Batman and Robin figures on a sofa.

Losing control

If all of these obstacles are overcome, it’s time for TV. Or is it? Amelie is a dab hand at hiding the remote control. She doesn’t put it in the same place each time either. Kate and I have found ourselves searching for it for up to ten minutes. Invariably, this happens when we’re planning on watching live football. Argh!

Game off

On the rare occasions in which I’ve successfully avoided all of the above-mentioned pitfalls and not fallen asleep in front of the telly, I stay up to play video games. I should rephrase that. I intend to stay up to play video games. Dylan and Xander are pass masters at the twin offences of draining batteries and not telling us. This results in a frantic search of the aforementioned electronic toys for alternative batteries. This, of course, takes us full circle. Sigh.

So there you go. Five ways my kids outwit me while asleep. Do your kids outmanoeuvre you? What are their methods?


  1. Gareth Torrance

    This was such a funny read! My daughter loves to put her toys behind the cushions of the sofa, and it’s always the pointy ones too! I’ve actually started sitting on the floor because it ends up being more comfortable (even though our sofa is less than a year old!)

  2. Mark

    Ah, the broken sofa/lost controller combo. EVERY night!

    Can’t even make a claim for the other sofa because my middle-age shoulder injury won’t allow me to sit on that side of the room and still see the TV.

    And I can’t remember the last time I caught the first 15 minutes of a game.

    As a City fan my only hope is whoever we’re playing hasn’t yet managed a shot on target, otherwise I know we’ll already be 1-0 down by the time I figure out how to change the channel from the set top box.

  3. Zoe

    Hahha! Oh gosh. Been there! We have those silly scatter cushions that you have to rearrange 30000000 times a day. As for toys, they live upstairs in the bedroom, most of the time. Then end up singing in the middle of the night and waking the kids up!

  4. Siobhan

    Ugh it’s the tiny Kinder egg toys for me – standing on those is one of THE most painful experiences I’ve suffered (childbirth just edges it). Great post x

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