Five baby ninja moves for injuring unsuspecting parents

Two LEGO figures demonstrating ninja baby moves.

There has been a direct correlation between Amelie’s continuing development and me suffering injuries of late. Somehow or other, she manages to hurt me every day. While she enjoys deploying makeshift melee weapons against me like any self-respecting tot, it’s the hand-to-face combat she prefers. Like Chuck Norris, Amelie doesn’t need a weapon – she is one.

While she’s more of a whinger than a ninja, the ways in which she attacks me definitely have a stealthy quality to them. I thought she was ambivalent to the numerous episodes of Ninjago her brothers have watched this summer, but it would appear she was quietly studying them and waiting to strike.

If your baby isn’t injuring you on a daily basis and, for some strange reason, you’re jealous here are five baby ninja moves you can teach them to do a number on you.

The Lemming

While you’re carrying your bundle of joy around, they try to jump free of your grasp. You’ll throw all kinds of strange shapes to stop them falling to the floor and, in all likelihood, pull a muscle in the process. Right now, in fact, I can’t do anything with my left arm and both my knees are dodgy too.

The Shampoo Ad

This move is a variation on the above, albeit without the need to employ gravity. Your little darling suddenly rocks their head backwards as if washing their hair in front of a waterfall and gets you a good one in the throat. This normally results in tears from both parties.

The ‘Should have gone to Specsavers’

Your baby smiles warmly at you as they try to poke your eyes out. Of course, wearing glasses reduces the risk of corneal abrasions but could result in other injuries and an expensive trip to the opticians. Basically, there’s no getting out of this one.

The Twist and Shout

This one is very simple. Your baby grabs your nose and twists it and, as a direct result, you shout. Get three friends with babies to join in and you can perform the chorus of The Beatles song of the same name.

The Reverse Scorpion Kick

Watch out for this one while playing on the floor with your baby. They position themselves near you, lie down then suddenly raise their legs to 90 degrees before smashing them down. In my case, this is always in the trouser region. It’s a good job that we’re not planning on having a fourth child.

Which baby ninja moves do your little ones use on you?


  1. Hopsterian

    These are more in the kamikaze-preschooler phase
    Crazy Frog
    Cuddle up to Daddy’s chest, brace bent legs against solid base, jump headfirst up into Daddy’s chin, causing Daddy to bite hard on his own tongue.

    Crouching Tiger
    Variant on above, used not during cuddle but to evade an unsolicited parenting intervention such as dressing or face cleaning. Crouch low so Daddy bends down to you in effort to continue childcare process, then jump back up, bloodying Daddy’s nose with the top or back of your head.

    Stooping Falcon
    Lie in bed beside Daddy, eg sharing a night-night story. Get up and jump around, eliciting a request to lie down again. Dive head-first at the pillow, missing the empty side and butting Daddy square in the nut. You will hurt yourself as much as you hurt him, allowing you to be outraged at his unprovoked attack.

    Drunken Monkey
    Ride on Daddy’s shoulders. If necessary, urge him to get up a decent pace. Take a sudden interest in a tree you’re passing, lunging sideways without warning and grabbing firmly onto a sturdy branch. The lateral and twisting forces exerted on the spine have great potential to pull muscles Daddy didn’t know he had.

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