We took Amelie to be weighed today. Big news, I know. Thanks to the sad demise of our local Sure Start Centre, we have to take her to the library which is otherwise closed on Wednesdays. Admittedly, it’s a good way of stopping the Tories closing down that too, but it’s a strange experience going into a mostly darkened room that, somehow or other, is even quieter than usual.
The thing I worry about most isn’t Amelie shrieking – there are no scary people there to make me feel like a rubbish parent, after all – but the potential carnage if she lets rip out of her other end while her nappy’s off.
This set me off on a whimsical and scatological journey through books I’ve read – okay, and have heard of but haven’t had the time to read – and reimagine their plots were Amelie to ‘edit’ them.
So here you go; ten famous books that have. ‘Shiterature’, if you will. I’m sure that, were I to write them, they would be panned by critics…
A man resembling a sunshine on legs goes around spreading joy – among other things – everywhere he goes.
Diarrhoea of a Wimpy Kid
An American middle school student gets a bad case of the runs during class. Hilarity ensues.
A professor of literature develops a disturbing fascination with his toilet.
A misanthropist takes up permanent residence in the smallest room, convinced that his lost love will soon turn up and knock on the window.
On the Origin of Faeces
A work of scientific theory debating where said matter originates from. I haven’t read it, but my money’s on the chicken.
The Cack Sheep
Two rivals compete for the affections of an incontinent ewe.
A miserable vampire and a moody teenager embark on an unfathomably popular sulky saga that’ll bore you shitless.
The Taming of the Poo
Three acts of comedy gold as Petruchio embarks on an epic battle in the bathroom after eating a feisty curry the night before.
The Cat Shit in the Rye
A rebellious teenager tries to negotiate some long grass without getting smelly shoes.
A young man is forced to move to London and can’t find his pants anywhere.