Five ways my kids have made me skanky

While I’ve never been particularly fussed about my appearance, I’ve always taken pride in having good personal hygiene and clean clothes so the last few weeks have been something of a culture shock – and I’m blaming the kids! When it was just Dylan, it was easy to keep up appearances. When Xander came along, it was a little trickier but I still managed. Since Amelie was born, however, the rule of three applies and I now believe it to be impossible to leave the house with well presented children and in a decent state myself. Here’s how they’ve made me skanky…

The great unwashed

I can’t remember the last time I managed to have a shower before the school run. Getting Dylan and Xander out of the door and into the hellish nightmare that should be a pleasant walk to their places of education takes up every last minute of my morning routine. I feel like Pig-Pen from the Peanuts cartoons. How do other parents manage?

Clothes maketh the man

The lethal combination of a baby who spews on everything and having to dry all our washing indoors means that our laundry basket is always at least 90% full. I currently don’t have any jumpers that are completely free of baby sick, have had to accept that there are several subtle stages between what I once perceived as ‘dirty’ and ‘clean’ when it comes to T-shirts and have even had to buy new socks.

Hair raising

Frankly, I’m permanently too tired to shave in the mornings and it’s quite nice having a barrier against the catalogue of interestingly-named gales we’ve had of late. That said, my beard has taken on something of a triffid-like quality and is starting to take over the lower portion of my face. The top half is taken care of the fact that I haven’t managed to have my hair cut in three months. I look like a cross between Wolverine and Mr Twit.

You can tell a man by his shoes

I’ve recently discovered that I don’t own any shoes that aren’t porous. Unfortunately, because I love my children enough to feed and clothe them, I can’t currently afford new ones. This is fine when it’s dry, but during wet weather, it’s a nightmare. People can usually hear me arriving in the playground before they see or smell me thanks to the loud squelching noise coming from my feet. Nice.

And the sleep deprivation

As if all this isn’t enough, I have a permanent haunted look in my eyes, bags underneath them and probably slur my speech; all courtesy of Xander and Amelie having some interesting ideas about when to wake up and Dylan shouting out random quotes from LEGO Dimensions in his sleep every time I nod off.

Please tell me I’m not the only skanky parent out there!