KPIs for kids

Close-up image of a dart board with a dart in the bullseye

I had to come up with some objectives for the next quarter of the year at work recently. They’re a bit of a faff and always sound a little too strategic and impersonal for my liking, but I do see the point hidden behind all the business jargon and am well versed in outlining the achievements required of me and the KPIs – Key Performance Indicators, just in case you haven’t had the pleasure – that prove I’ve more or less done what I said I would.

It struck me that they’re a bit like the reward charts that all parents use with varying degrees of success, so decided to write some KPIs for kids. Why should us adults have all the fun, eh? My two have until the end of the year to nail this lot – otherwise the fat, jolly beardy chap will be getting a call!

Objective: Diversify strategy relating to sustenance at all key points in the working day.
KPI: Eat something other than fish fingers and tinned spaghetti.

Objective: Hone problem solving skills, avoiding the need for conflict resolution measures.
KPI: Stop fighting with your brother.

Objective: Demonstrate improved ability to work on your own initiative, particularly during antisocial hours.
KPI: Stay asleep in your own bed. Please!

Objective: Regularly liaise with key stakeholders and develop strong working relationships.
KPI: Play nicely with the other children at pre school.

Objective: Successfully deliver change management projects.
KPI: Get through the first term of school without a meltdown.

Objective: Become a brand champion and ensure that house style is adhered to.
KPI: Do what your mother and I tell you!

Objective: Observe the open-door policy in operation in the workplace.
KPI: Stop slamming the bloody doors!

Objective: Take a share of the responsibility for ensuring the workplace meets health and safety standards.
KPI: Tidy away your toys without needing to be asked 47 times and stop leaving them on the stairs!

Objective: Attend all team meetings and maintain punctuality.
KPI: Join the rest of the family at the dinner table – NOW!

Objective: Respect workplace dress code, ensuring you are appropriately attired at all times.
KPI: Stop undressing by the window.

What would your KPIs for your kids be?


  1. Christine

    Oh god, the wording of your KPIs sounds exactly like the ones from my previous company. Everyone would ignore them until just before appraisal time. Fortunately I’m working in a very different environment now where I’m pretty sure they don’t know what KPIs are! #pocolo

  2. daddydaddycool

    Ha ha! Yes!

    But KPIs only work when combined with MBOs (Management By Objectives). The KPI is the measure, whereas the MBO is the reward!

    Appropriate rewards for hitting KPIs are great in the office AND the home.

    My all-time favorite is:

    “Get straight A grades and you can have your bedroom re-decorated in the summer.”

  3. Ed

    This is hilarious and awesome!

    This one is a struggle for us:
    Objective: Diversify strategy relating to sustenance at all key points in the working day.
    KPI: Eat something other than fish fingers and tinned spaghetti.

    One KPI I would use:
    Objective: Don’t become a spoiled brat!
    Key Results: Help the kids Give, Save, Spend Money

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