Curse of the commentators

Two young boys wearing headphones and shouting

Barry Davies, Tony Gubba and Martin Tyler… to this list of my favourite commentators must be added that of Dylan who, in recent weeks, has become prolific at describing everything. Granted, he doesn’t narrate the goings on of football matches like these legends of the commentary box, but he does with just about everything else.

It starts from the minute he wakes up in the morning – on the days he doesn’t resemble Harry Enfield’s angry teenager, Kevin, that is – to the moment he’s about to nod off at night. We rarely need to enquire as to what he’s up to if he’s out of sight anymore, he articulates it verbosely. It doesn’t matter if there’s no proper sequence to what he’s talking about – he’s a master of making non-sequitur sound perfectly at home in dialogue. One of his go-to devices for linking unrelated things is “because, Daddy…” which he deploys with the same refrain as Alyson Hannigan reminiscing about band camp in American Pie. Irritating, undoubtedly, but it enables him to get up a good momentum.

As Xander copies most things that he does, Dylan now has a co-commentator too. He asks questions, but does so by making statements with an inquisitive tone. It passes as commentary. For example, the other day, I was minding my own business using the toilet when he barged in. “Holding your willy?” he said. To be fair, he was accurate. I mean, I was using the facilities rather than just standing there clutching the family jewels. That would be weird. He can also be relied upon to let you know whenever he has farted – just in case the foghorn-like noise and rather arresting smell aren’t enough of a giveaway.

So we’ve got two very capable commentators on our hands, which is great – it’s wonderful that they’re such good little communicators – but there’s a but. They watch a lot of animated films and cartoons that hail from across the pond and, consequently, pronounce things… erm… incorrectly. “Darnosaur” is one that particularly grates. “Jagwar” is another. Then there’s the hyperbolic intonation of such things, but that’s quite funny. It makes them sound a little like the man who used to do the voiceovers on E4. I wonder whether this means that they’re going to end up like American sports commentators? I can envisage the sound of a splash emanating from the bathroom, followed by a yell of  “Release the Kraken!”

Oh well, as long as they don’t end up with similar attitudes to Andy Gray and Richard Keys, I’m happy.


  1. Jonathan

    I watched a bit of ITV’s Champions’ League coverage of Chelsea against Galatasaray earlier this evening. I reckon your kids could easily take the place of Andy Townsend.

    1. Post

      Ha! I think a dead pigeon could do a better job than Andy Townsend, but I’ll take that in the spirit it was meant. 🙂

  2. Steve

    That was so funny. I was literally laughing out loud about him bursting into the toilet and the farting. One thing to remember though is kids have a unpredictable way of bringing stuff like that up in front of other people like teachers and friends etc. Now that would be funny.

    1. Post

      Thanks Steve! I live in fear of them saying things of that nature in public every day. It’ll happen soon, I’m sure!

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