So a video game that I’ve been looking forward to for ages is coming out tomorrow. I saved a £10 gift card for almost a year to put towards it. That’s how dedicated I am to playing this one. And, yes, it’s THAT wildly inappropriate one that includes just about everything unsavoury you can think of in it. Rest assured that the boys will be blissfully oblivious to its existence and that I will only be playing it once they’ve gone to bed. It’s my catharsis and nobody else’s!
The realistic recreation of a well-known American city that forms the game’s gargantuan environment has got me thinking about how much they’ve changed since I discovered them. Certain elements are so much more realistic these days. But there are still things that aren’t quite right in every one. So, for no reason other than my own amusement and hopefully, yours too if you recognise any of the following, here are some important – and completely incorrect – life lessons that video games have taught me.
It is entirely possible to run and jump backwards at exactly the same speed as you would going forwards.
Eating mushrooms can make you double in size.
If you are mortally wounded by an enemy, a good old English roast dinner will get you back to full health. Don’t worry if you’re escaping from a castle in Nazi Germany – there are loads of them lying around!
Dinosaurs, skeletons and primates are all competent drivers.
Being pursued by gun-toting goons in an ancient tomb that was last visited by the people who buried someone there? Don’t worry! You’ll find plenty of shotgun shells and medical kits.
You can ask somebody the same question ten times in a row and they won’t notice.
If you get fatally shot in super slo-mo, you can make a complete recovery by simply shooting your assailant within five seconds.
You can pick anything up by walking through it.
Wrestlers are capable of throwing fireballs at each other.
Fernando Torres can score goals.
In a zombie apocalypse, you can get bitten any number of times without turning into one if you’re the main protagonist.
Everybody speaks English. Even malevolent aliens intent on ending humanity.
In a certain mid nineties football sim, every game was the most important match of the tournament.
There are secret passages and rooms EVERYWHERE. Just go around your local town pushing walls and you’ll find loads of them.
If you get in a fight with loads of blood-thirsty henchmen, they will all obediently wait their turn to be pummeled by you.
Kleptomania is a perfectly acceptable approach to problem solving.
Not that I’ll ever get to play this new game…