When Xander arrived in the world, he unwittingly set a precedent for what was to come. He snapped his umbilical cord on the way out. I’m not sure how he did it, but like to think he thought “Sod this” and pulled it apart with his bare hands. He and Kate were both fine and there was still a bit attached to him so I got to cut it, but he sent out a message from day one. He is here to break things.
I often think he may have been sent from the future to destroy me and have visions of him approaching other children at playgroup saying “I need your clothes, your toys and your tricycles” in a robotic Austrian accent. Maybe I’m just a bit weird or maybe the trail of destruction that he has blazed since the very day he was born has given me reason to accept such whimsy as a distinct possibility.
So what has he done to cause me to suspect him of being a cybernetic organism from 2029? Well, he’s incredibly strong, extremely driven, hardly ever sleeps and seems to have a penchant for damaging things. Here are just a few objects that have made it onto his big break list in the last few months:
- My Google Nexus tablet. Thank goodness for the one-year warranty
- The parent unit of a baby monitor
- Several books
- Countless DVD cases and possibly the discs inside them too
- Two plates
- A ceramic dish
- A door handle
- The toilet seat
- The hood of his pushchair
- Stickers on Dylan’s bed – there are now several decapitated dragons and dinosaurs
- A metal bucket-style flower pot with a picture of a giraffe on it
I should also add that the telly nearly made the list. Fortunately, my skills honed playing in goal meant that it didn’t fall off its stand. Phew.
Then there are the things that have mysteriously vanished since he turned up. Has he merely lost them or dispatched with them as part of his bigger mission? Here are those that remain MIA:
- Harold the helicopter from Dylan’s Thomas and Friends set
- Clarabel from the same set. Coincidence? I think not!
- One of the beaters for a toy xylophone he got for Christmas
- Several dummies
- All but two jigsaw pieces from a set of ‘opposites’. The survivors were “full” and “night”. He’s taking the piss!
- Half of the numbers from a toy clock – another message there, maybe?
So, if I fail to blog anytime in the near future, send help.