Five things my one-year-old son beats me up with

Vronk! Zlonk! Splatt! Clank!

Xander has recently realised that there is more than one way of inflicting injury on me. Yay him! Whereas he could – well, still can, to be honest – be relied upon to regularly give me a hearty whack round the face or well-executed kick to the nether regions, his development into what I believe psychologists would call the ‘tool-use’ stage has witnessed a shift in his focus of this strange way that little ones seem to enjoy showing their affection. Yes, he’s getting himself tooled up with some weapons. They’re unlikely ones though…


Strange that the Americans call these ‘pacifiers’ – I’m anything but after he has deliberately dragged one up my arm, removing plenty of hair in the process. He has also realised the ballistic capabilities of these seemingly benign objects and is now hell-bent on causing that baby’s favourite act of parent maiming – namely the corneal abrasion – from range.

First words book

This friendly, pocket-sized offering has cute pictures of some of the first few words that children of his age are likely to learn. Apple, flower, shoes and ball ought to be replaced with some of the comic book words popular during Adam West’s tenure as Batman though. I think biff, kapow, thunk and awk would be more apt given what the little Boy Wonder does with it. The pen, it would seem, is most definitely mightier than the sword.

Baby bottles

They’re designed to be safe for young children to use – but they don’t half pack a punch. Particularly when full. This trick has also been replicated with the baby monitor – he got Kate good and proper with it the other day. He’s obviously taking exception to us listening in on him.

Spider catcher

I hate spiders but won’t kill them. We therefore have one of those weird spider vacuums that you catch and release them with. It’s shaped like a lightsaber and my little Skywalker has already grasped its melee potential. I’m sure he’ll soon discover that he can add to the authenticity by switching on the vacuum when he swings it about in the general direction of my shins.


Harmless pre-dinner snacks eh? I think not! He’s clocked that these can be used to target all sorts of various vulnerable areas and also that, if bitten off in a certain way, that they make effective shanks. I’m thinking about letting him have his way and empty all the drawers, cupboards and shelves after all…

What about your kids? Which seemingly harmless household objects have they used against you?


  1. Helen

    Ouch! Doesn’t sound very relaxing in your home! Girls are just as violent. My eldest once whacked me round the head with a swingball and I have found that kitchen tongs are surprisingly painful when used to pinch your arm.

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  2. Sarah Miles

    I am intrigued by the spider catcher….does it actually suck them up? Are their legs left in tact or does a little body lump fly back down the tube and into the garden? Grisly things….

    The most pain my children have inflicted on me comes from the vice-like grip of babies who grab a few strands of hair, usually the ones from the back of my neck that REALLY hurt. Then they pull you toward them and wave their arms around. I have been known to weep….

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      Cheers Sarah. The spider catcher hasn’t claimed any legs. Yet. The only problem is that some of the ones we get in our house are too big for it so I have to man up and do the pint glass and cardboard thing. Ugh! Yes, hair pulling is awful. Xander kindly removed some of my chest hair the other day. I screamed…

  3. Mother Goutte

    I think they can manage to turn any object in a deadly weapon when it’s aimed at your head with enough strength! I wouldn’t have thought about the damage a dummy could do though… Scary.

    Another favourite of my two youngest is to hold onto me for support, seemingly to my trousers, but really onto the skin, the inside of the leg is VERY painful…

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  4. Pingback: Word up, Xander! ยป Diary of the Dad

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