The littlest emo

Dylan has been suffering a bit with eczema lately; not a big problem really – a lot of babies do and it’s supposed to be easy enough to deal with – but it’s what has come with it that is of concern. He’s scratching himself to ribbons. It’s not just the affected areas either; he seems to have developed a penchant for attacking his own face as well. While he hasn’t managed to make himself look entirely like Dr Evil yet, my little Mini Me has certainly been making a good fist of it thanks to his Houdini-like ability to escape his scratch mittens, which seem to have been relegated to the status of pointless fashion accessory now.

We’ve started to wonder whether, as a result of this apparent self-harm obsession, we have the world’s youngest emo on our hands. It’s just as well that neither of us are into the likes of My Chemical Romance then, but we’ll err on the side of caution and keep him well away from Kate’s Twilight Saga DVDs. This has got me to thinking about what he’ll be like when he’s a teenager – and I hope he won’t be an angst-ridden sort who nobody in the world could possibly understand because, of course, nobody else has ever been a hormonal soap-dodging teen.

Another possible hint as to what a future Dylan may be into came to light recently; he appears to enjoy striking the same curious pose that Jonny Wilkinson adopts before hoofing an egg-shaped ball in the vague direction of a large, metal H. Yes, I can’t stand rugby – wrong shaped ball you see.

And this leads to another of my neuroses about him – what if he likes football but supports the wrong team?! It’s every football-obsessed parent’s worst nightmare. I don’t mind if he doesn’t like the beautiful game or, if he does, who he supports – with three exceptions. If he decides his allegiance lies with Arsenal, Chelsea or West Ham then I’m going to run away from home and live on a deserted island somewhere, crying myself to sleep every night.

Going back to the Dr Evil thing, yes, I know he’s based on Blofeld but I don’t like James Bond either. So there! So as long as Dylan is an emo-dodging, rugby-loathing and 007-hating Spurs supporter I’ll be happy – that’s not asking a lot now is it?


  1. Sam

    Having been persistently distracted by trying to be a father to my own son, I find myself moved by this piece to step in as a responsible Uncle. James Bond AKA 007 AKA “The Nuts” is a fine role model who has saved the world on multiple occasions. Persist, you may, in your unreasonable campaign of hate against his glorious achievements, but know this – I will ensure you fail! Rugby is shit though.

  2. Lol

    On the Jonny Wilkinson pose: D-Man probably does it when he’s totally concentrating on splatting his nappy. Has anyone checked JW’s shorts after a ‘conversion’? Or perhaps he only performs when he misses.
    Otherwise, how about giving Dylan a cornet in each hand – might end up looking like a duocorn, but it’ll curb the scratching for a while and cool the burn.

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