When I first became a Dad, I thought the hard parts would be the sleepless nights or the endless nappy changes.
Turns out, one of the toughest challenges wasn’t physical at all — it was emotional.
How do you teach your kids to talk about their feelings… when you never really learned how to yourself?
I grew up in a house where emotions weren’t exactly a big topic of conversation. My Dad was a good man — hardworking, loyal — but he wasn’t the kind of guy who sat you down and asked, “How are you feeling today, son?” Most of the time, you just got on with it.
If you were upset, you dealt with it quietly. If you were angry, you “calmed down” without much help. Talking about sadness? Forget it.
Now, raising two kids of my own, I know the world’s different. I want my children to understand their feelings, not bottle them up. I want them to come to me when they’re hurting, confused, or even just a bit off.
But I’ll be honest: it doesn’t always come naturally.
Here’s what I’ve learned — through trial, error, research, and a few awkward conversations along the way — about how to teach your kids about feelings, even if no one ever showed you how.
Why Feelings Matter
Before we get into the “how,” it’s worth taking a moment to talk about why it’s so important.
Research shows that kids who learn to recognise and express their emotions tend to have:
- Stronger friendships
- Better academic performance
- Higher self-esteem
- Healthier mental health later in life
On the flip side, children who are taught — directly or indirectly — to suppress emotions can struggle with anxiety, depression, and anger management down the line.
In short: helping your child understand feelings isn’t just a “nice to have.” It’s one of the most powerful tools you can give them for life.
Step 1: Get Comfortable with Your Own Feelings (Even If It’s Uncomfortable)
This was the first hurdle for me — and honestly, still the hardest some days.
If you grew up being told to “man up” or “stop crying,” it’s hard to suddenly become the Dad who sits with their emotions. It feels weird. It feels exposed.
But here’s the thing: kids learn by watching you, not just by what you tell them. If you want them to be open, you have to show them that it’s safe to be open.
That doesn’t mean you have to pour your heart out over breakfast. It just means being willing to:
- Name your feelings out loud (“I’m feeling a bit stressed today, I’ve had a lot on.”)
- Show healthy ways to cope (“I’m going to go for a walk to clear my head.”)
- Admit when you don’t have it all figured out (“I’m feeling frustrated, but I’m working on calming down.”)
You’re not just giving permission — you’re showing them how it’s done.
Step 2: Name Feelings Early and Often
One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was assuming my kids knew what they were feeling.
They didn’t.
Why would they? Emotions are complicated, especially when you’re three years old and your whole world revolves around snack time and dinosaurs.
What helped was getting into the habit of naming emotions for them.
For example:
- “You look really sad that your toy broke. That’s okay — it’s sad when things get broken.”
- “I can see you’re really excited about the party!”
- “It’s frustrating when you can’t have what you want, isn’t it?”
By putting words to their experiences, you’re giving them the vocabulary to talk about their feelings later on.
Some days, it feels a bit forced. But I promise: over time, it becomes second nature — for you and them.
Step 3: Validate Before You Fix
Another thing I had to unlearn: the instinct to fix everything straight away.
If my son cried because his best friend didn’t want to play with him, my first reaction was to say, “It’s fine, you’ll find someone else to play with!”
Helpful, right?
Not really.
What he needed was someone to say: “That must have hurt your feelings. It’s really hard when a friend doesn’t want to play.”
Validation — acknowledging that their feelings are real and understandable — is powerful. It doesn’t make the feeling bigger; it helps the child feel heard and supported, so they can move through the feeling.
Only after validating do you move to solutions (if needed at all).
Sometimes, just feeling heard is all they need.
Step 4: Use Stories, Books, and Everyday Moments
Teaching about emotions doesn’t always have to be heavy or formal.
Some of the best conversations happen when you’re reading together, watching a film, or just chatting casually.
For younger kids, books like The Colour Monster by Anna Llenas or The Huge Bag of Worries by Virginia Ironside are brilliant for opening up conversations about feelings.
For older kids, discussing characters’ feelings in films or shows can be a non-threatening way to talk about emotions.
Something like, “Why do you think that character got so angry? What else could they have done?”
You’re teaching emotional intelligence without even sitting them down for a “big talk.”
Step 5: Model Repairing Mistakes
None of us get this perfect. I certainly don’t.
There have been times when I’ve snapped at my kids after a long day. Or brushed off their feelings because I was distracted or tired.
The important part is what you do next.
Apologising to your child — sincerely — models that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that feelings (yours and theirs) deserve respect.
Something like: “I’m sorry I shouted earlier. I was feeling stressed, but that’s not your fault. I’ll try to do better.”
It might feel awkward at first. But over time, it builds trust like nothing else.
Step 6: Keep Checking In
As kids grow, their feelings — and the way they express them — change.
With my youngest, a simple “Are you okay?” still works.
With my eldest, who’s heading into the teenage years, it’s more like dropping little openings and letting him come to me when he’s ready.
The important thing is to stay available. Even when they grunt at you. Even when they slam their door.
Especially then.
It’s Never Too Late to Learn
If no one taught you how to talk about feelings growing up, it’s not your fault.
But it is in your power to change the story for your kids.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to show up. You just have to be willing to say: “Feelings are normal. You’re allowed to have them. I’m here for you.”
It’s not always easy. It’s not always pretty. But it’s one of the most important things we can do as Dads.
And if nothing else, you’ll be giving your kids something that’s worth far more than any advice or pep talk: A place where their feelings are safe.
